The bad goodbyes

Goodbyes are painful. People come visiting, their stay is wonderful, and when they leave i'm on my lowest low. I love the 'hulla gulla' and the unnecessary commotion, the late night chat sessions and the morning endless cups of tea sessions. Before you know it, time's up and they leave. Back to the same old routine. 


I'm generally very happy when i return home after a vacation. But there was this one time i wasn't. Two years into my marriage, my  parents saw me off at the delhi station on a train to chennai. And as the train moved, tears rolled down and soon i was howling!!! So much so that the co passengers got worried. I held myself together and started reminiscing the wonderful holiday that i'd just spent with everyone. My smile was back. 


Yet, the worst bye-bye till date has been the 'bidaai'... I won't say much, the emotions are too delicate to deal with! Lets put it this way, i can never ever get married again, only 'coz i cannot deal with the whole 'bidaai' thing. (And also coz MMW keeps me quite happy!!!)


What triggered off this post was that Aanya was looking for her grandparents the morning after they left. It's the first time she's remembered someone who's out of sight. Even if it may have been for five minutes, she searched for them. Soon, she got distracted. 


Today as she says 'tah-tah' and moves her hand in what can be construed as a 'ta-ta', she doesn't understand the meaning. I guess its not even the beginning for her... 

                

On this date...

Eight months back i brought her to the world

Her wail was my first experience of her

Tears ran down my cheeks... "my baby is here"

Two months later

She smiled at me, the knowing smile... 

Tears ran down my cheeks... "her smile is safe forever"

Within the next two months

She cooed and gurgled, knowing it was me

Tears ran down my cheeks... "it's just the beginning"

***

The enthu mummy that i am, i got Aanya ears pierced when she was not even four months old.  Took her to a jewellery store and while MMW held her, the goldsmith used a pin and pierced one ear. I was too excited and even managed to take a video of the 'event'. She let out a short wail. The second piercing was slightly more painful, but the crying stopped almost as soon as i took her in my arms. 

She looked adorable with those tiny gold dots on. I couldn't stop staring at my lil doll with earrings! 

A month later we'd gone shopping in Delhi; on return i found one earring missing. That same night i changed the dot to ring. She was extremely fidgety. With great difficulty, between Ma, Tini and I, we managed to get the rings on. 

Few days back, one of those rings went missing. The entire morning my maid and i searched frantically for the missing ring. No luck. She even told me to chant godji's name and look, while she did the same. It was quite a scene. But still no luck. 

Anyway, the ear pierce closed and i had to take Aanya back to the jeweller. This time i was alone. And the poor girl screamed and howled and bawled. Like the type when they forget to  breathe for a second or two. Scary! My lil baby was in too much pain. She clung on tight and slept off in the auto on way back home. And for the first time in so many months i felt her pain. On the outside i was strong, but my heart weeped a bit. I promised myself never to let this happen again. 

***

She's hungry, she cries

She's sleepy, she cries

She crawls and trips, she cries

Holds on to the table/chair, bangs her head, she cries

I close the main door, she cries

I say a stern 'no', she cries

By now i'm accustomed to her crying... but that day was different!

Cake, Wh(eat) it!

I'm baking again. This time healthier, whole wheat cakes with less oil. I never thought wheat cakes could be so yummy. All thanks to a friend who baked one of these and invited me over. 

Here's what you'll need for a plain cake:

1 cup wheat flour

1 cup sugar

1/3 cup oil

2 eggs

2 tsp baking powder

1/2 cup hot water

2 tsp essence of your choice

(I mixed a little coffee in the hot water as essence)

In a bowl mix all the ingredients except water well. Slowly add the water to make the batter smooth. The water gives a spongy effect. Pour batter in a greased tin. Bake for 30 mins in a pre-heated oven at 200 degrees celsius. I'm a great believer of the microwave and have been using the 'convection' setting for all my baking. It comes out as tasty and 'good looking' as any other homemade oven cake. 

Congratulations cake

Also, am not a very 'plain' person! I love chocolate and coffee and nuts and raisins and all the paraphernalia, esp in my cakes. 

Flavours that i've tried- Rum and raisin, Coffee Chocolate and Banana with raisins. They've all been big hits. Especially the 'Rum and Raisin'. Twice i made it for parties and both times it was polished off with left overs packed home for bachelors! There's a story behind the Banana-raisin cake. 

So, i had these various dabbas that i had to return to various friends and didn't want to send them back empty. That afternoon as soon as Aanya slept, i took a chance with the whole wheat banana cake. Only overripe bananas(ones that have fruit flies hovering above them) can be used for banana cakes. Also, people always prefer to use walnuts with bananas; since i didn't have any, i decided to go in for raisins, which i have in plenty!  It was one of my 'lucky bake' days. One that went off without a hitch. The cake rose, cooked in time, sides were off, browned on top, smelt great and even came off the tin in a one go! MMW, my all time favourite guinea pig, approved of it, so pieces were cut and delightfully placed in the various dabbas, topped with chocolate sauce... if eyes could drool, i would've been crying!

It was the first time Aanya ate cake. She aggressively demanded more. My day was made... and it didn't hurt my conscience either. It's definitely a wholesome and healthier option for her. Next on the cards, Carrot and Raisin cake, and no, i'm not obsessed about raisins... they're just my favourite dry fruit!!!

Gungun and Aanya

Morning scene at home. It's 9 am, I hop across to my neighbours' house, Aanya squeals just as she sees Gungun (my neighbours- soon to be- one year old), who in turn claps her hands and responds to Aanya's squeals, they start playing on the carpet and we ladies have our morning cup of tea!It's pure joy.  

Their first photoshoot

Aanya- 4 months
Gungun- 8 months

Both the girls have found great company in each other.  One's excitement on seeing the other is beyond my explainable capacity. Where ever one goes, the other follows. Gungun takes a few steps with support and Aanya crawls behind her. Most of the times, they want the same toy. Even with 20,000 other toys lying in front of them. Pens, chappals, lock and keys, excite them more. They're in love with the main door. We leave the jaali door open, so they greet the maid, milkman, kachra amma with great enthusiasm. Any opportunity to leave the house, and they're game!

 

We, the mummy's, have a gala time thanks to them. Chai and conversation are never ending. And once the kids have been fed the first meal of the day, its time to go home. Gungun happily does 'tah-tah' but the moment i close the door behind us, Aanya starts howling... 

***

Gungun and Aanya (accompanied by parents) have been to the fair together, gone clubbing, attended b'day parties, dined at a five star, gone malling, watched a movie in a theatre, ... the works!!! Evening park or play time together is a must. The other day, they were both in red and i couldn't help myself but click away. Such cute little fashionistas in red!



I love to be a part of their innocence. Their actions are innocent and with every act is an achievement. It's wonderful to see them grow. 


A few years down the line, they'll be school mates, hopefully good friends even then. It'll be a miracle if they remember these days... Thankfully, the mummy's have abundant memories to share and keep alive!

My 'Before', 'After' & 'Thereafter'

Weight is the taboo word. My indulgent sins from the last five years are catching up fast, only to make me realise that it better not get too late. Wait up weight... i'm gonna lose you!

With college friends

                                                 

Oct 2004

In my defence, I was not always fat. Ya, in school i was nicknamed fatty and golu and fatso and one of my friends still calls me 'bhains', but i'd passed all that and lost lots for my engagement and wedding. I give full credit to my braces, kathak classes, french classes and of course college routine for my weight loss during those days. Also a certain person called 'Mummy' kept a close eye!

Mumbai 2006

And then Mumbai happened, soon after marriage. With Mumbai came freedom, partying, routine-less days and nights, eating out more often than cooking at home, ordering in more often than cooking at home and the beginning of a spoilt lifestyle. Again, in my defence, if i didn't do it then, when would I? 

In the next two years, when the blouses stopped fitting, i got them altered; and the jeans got tight, i bought new ones; in fact i delighted myself to a completely new wardrobe! Repeating to myself that am bored of my old clothes. The problem was not the eating. Its my sheer laziness to get up early and go for a walk/jog/gym routine. And the bigger problem was that i knew the problem!

Vizag 2009

In Vizag though, i became very conscientious. I went for aerobics and yoga classes in the mornings and regular walks in the evenings. My body even toned up to some extent, which gave me an excuse to eat. Around that time, i even gave up eating sweets and aerated drinks for six months. (Sweets are my weakness. I have 28 sweet teeth!!!)

Back to Mumbai, but this time, Aanya was to happen. Suddenly all the talks of weight loss stopped and focus was on weight gain. And my worry was, i hope i'm not putting on all the weight, i hope the baby's getting some part of it! I grew larger than a balloon, put on almost twenty kilos... and even after Aanya was out, i looked five months pregnant!!!

  

8 months pregnant

Gorging on junk

Eight months on, with continuous doses from mummy dear, i'm getting extremely conscious about the issue. And to add to my woes, MMW has gone and lost FIFTEEN KILOS in one month!!! He's thinner than he was during our wedding... Sorry, but, i can't maintain the exercise routine he used to. 

With 5 month old Aanya

There is hope... Is there?

Slowly am getting back to some kind of shape and i'm not saying this just to console myself! Mothers of one year olds tell me "Just wait till your daughter starts walking, you'll automatically lose weight". Honestly, will it be worth it taking a chance???

'Bhow Bhow kore Panzu Bhauki'

Re Mama Re Mama Re

Re Mama Re Mama Re

Hum to gaye bazaar mein lene ko lauki

lauki wauki kuch na mila
peeche padh gaya 'Panzu bhauki' 

Of all the versus from the rhyme, this one's Aanya's favourite. She giggles and croons with just one mention of his name. 'Panzu bhauki' is Panzer, our three year old chocolate brown lab. We brought him home on 27 Oct 2008, forty seven days after he was born. 

First day home

Bath time

My man in white (MMW) always believed that if we're able to bring up a doggie baby well, we'll be able to make responsible parents. We were in Kochi and i spoke to a few breeders and finalised on one guy who was to take us a few kilometers away to 'check out' a litter. "We're only going to see the pups Diyu, not picking up one today", was what i was told. I'd never seen a doggie breeders house. Spread across acres, there were black dogs, white dogs, brown dogs, barking dogs, quiet dogs, ferocious dogs, expensive dogs and suddenly this brown ball of dirty fur was brought and kept near MMW's feet. And boy he was active! The pup licked our feet, danced around us, jumped till he was lifted, dirtied our shirts, licked our faces... and we melted. We brought him home, with a stop over at the vet (for his first shots) and a pet shop. The pampering had begun...

The hunt for the name was on. Suggestions were pouring in. We liked 'fudge', 'gyro', and almost named him 'shadow', till Nana Dadu mentioned of his well behaved, intelligent police dog called Panzer. We googled it. Finalised it. And he responded well to it. 

Cherai Beach

Alleppy

Kochi 2009

MMW and I are both from dog loving families. We've grown up with dogs. I was in favour of a big dog and he's always had a soft corner for daschunds. And panzer came. He was our baby, our cerelac eating baby. We took him everywhere. Friends' b'day party, boat ride on the backwaters, two day stay at munnar, beach outings et all. But there was a tough period. Toilet training was my greatest challenge and his teething my biggest fear. My hands, feet, back... everything was scarred! Many lessons for life were learnt in those few months. 

Munnar

Vizag 2010

It was transfer time. Our first with him. We booked him on a flight to Delhi. Moved to Vizag. Set up home. Went on leave. Brought him back. Delhi to Vijaywada by 1st AC. Vijaywada to Vizag by road. By now we had started bonding. He knew his 'mumma' and 'papa'. He knew sports shoes meant 'walkie walkie' time and heels meant 'staying alone at home' time. He was trained to sit, stay, take-it, fetch, jump and speak. He recognised the car keys, fetched his 'leeshu', ate when told 'khabar khe nao', slept between the two of us, brought his bonu for guests to see and appreciate, sometimes even put embarrassing clothes on display! There was never a dull moment with him around. He was a brat then and is a bigger brat now. Just magnitudes have changed. 

It was transfer time again. This time we knew separation would be longer. Mainly 'coz it was Mumbai and we weren't getting a house soon. On a flight to Delhi again. He howled and brought the Vizag airport down. The authorities almost refused to take him. It was extremely painful to see him go. In Delhi, my in-laws were waiting. 

Diwali 2011

That day and today. We've not been able to bring him back 'home'. The only saving grace is that he's in the best hands possible. They've given him more love than we could give him. He's pampered even more. Sam (Ma's man friday) gives in to all his whims and fancies. Tini brings him new bones and toys all the time and at night he needs Ma to cuddle up to. They're both scolded if they get home late from work. And he sulks like crazy when even one of them leaves. 

Top Dog

Even at this moment as i write this, my heart feels heavy and my eyes are swelling up. We never wanted to leave Panzer. Circumstances just didn't allow it. However much i may justify, we've not been the best parents to him. There is still hope. 

'Bhow Bhow kore Panzu Bhauki' = 'Panzu Bhauki does Bhow Bhow'

Of 'TV tales' and 'Movie Trails'

'Dunston Checks In' was playing on TV and although i could catch a few scenes only, a hurricane of memories zipped by. 

The pampered me

Imagine this- In the pre mobile and internet booking era, Baba stood for hours in line at the ticket counter for 'Sound of Music' at one of the best cinema halls in Calcutta. At home, Dadu threw a fit... not because he didn't want us to watch the movie, but because Baba had forgotten everything else just so that we could see one of the most brilliant movies ever made. Bashiku, is what i call him now, is like that. He's a movie buff but only for specific movies. And sometimes he surprises me with his choice.

Mumma on the other hand is not a big fan of the TV or movies. She's extremely selective. She would rather spend time writing or doing something more 'constructive'. And to think she would ROFL over 'Delhi Belly', yet another surprise! Mumma, if u read this, ROFL= Roll on the floor laughing!!!

Bashiku was away, Mumma was working on a book, Shreya was still a schoolgirl and i had started earning a few bucks... i decided to treat the mother and sister to a movie. 'Main Hoon Na', was THE movie. I took a favour from one of my colleagues and got us awesome seats at a theatre in west delhi. I'll brag; it was one of the best outings of those times. We did it all, popcorn, cola, laughing on silly jokes, pouring emotions in the so-called-army scenes... and topped it up with some fun conversation over dinner. I will never, and i hope Ma and Shra also never, forget that movie outing. 

Family time

                     

'Shishtas'

I'll go back a few years, to the time when i was in class 7/8, shreya was 6 years younger and the parents would have gone out at night, giving us strict instructions not to put on the TV. After finishing homework, i would promptly put it on, not worrying about the consequences. Shreya was always part of the act, but still a baby, so excused all crime!!! As soon as we heard our parents get back, TV was off and we packed ourselves in bed, pretending to be asleep. The first time, the fan gave away our secret, and we were scolded. In the next few times that followed we would watch TV without the fan (don't miss the dedication). The dirty looks and stern voices still followed... till i realised that the TV itself gave away our secret (the body would remain hot). At some point i felt it was better to take permission and watch to my hearts content, without sweating it out.

Ma and her girls

Sunday morning 'Rangoli' and 'Mahabharat' was family TV time. And one sunday, 'Paraya Dhan' (starring Rakesh Roshan and Hema Malini) was being aired. As usual Bashiku wasn't there, so Mumma and her girls had a gala afternoon watching it while she hummed all the songs. That i'm able to recollect the day is proof enough that it must have meant a lot.

All the girls

My point is, will Aanya ever have such memories? Will i ever be strict about her TV/Movie routine? In this age of information overload some boundaries will have to be drawn. Rest, we'll see...

The 'In' and 'Out' Laws

So in 2006 when i got married i was all of 22, unbelievable by a large group today, but true! I was the first one in my group of friends to tie the knot, and tie it jumpily-happily! Although I married into a Bengali Brahmin household, same as mine, it was like a completely different cross cultural exchange type feeling. Marrying the man is just a part of the story; the family is what you actually get in to, so I was told and so I realized in the years that followed!

But…

I thank my lucky stars. I have been blessed to have married in to such a caring, loving and exceptional family. So much so that when I hear stories of scary/ demanding/ obstinate/ ‘ghunghat odho’ type in-laws I say a silent little thank you prayer. They welcomed me with open arms and a warm heart, gave me complete freedom and always encouraged me to bring out the best.

I never even move a finger when am at M 278. Tea in bed, many course meals, chauffer driven (mostly sister in law driven) car rides, umpteen shopping and mall sprees, fun filled movie outings (except for the latest one, but that’s another story), the various dinners and get-togethers, gossip sessions, the list is endless… All in all, I always cherish each and every holiday spent at Noida.

It’s not always rosy though, we do have our share of issues and tears, but then, if we didn’t, we wouldn’t be normal! In fact with my in laws, am the ‘out’ law; coz I’m the one out. I’m the one visiting once in a while, trying to be the long distance good bou aka bahu. But I guess, distances make the heart grow fonder (corny but fact!).

Her Thammu’s ‘Kikomoni’ and Tishi’s ‘Kole Bear’, Aanya’s brought changes in the entire setup. Ma-in-law has become ‘Thammu’ and Sister-in-law ‘Tishi’. And they’re both crazy about her. When she was born they bought the entire Mothercare, well, almost! And the plan is, when Tishi gets married, she and Aanya will wear matching clothes!

Between the ‘in’ and ‘out’ laws, my man in white is the support structure. For him, I met and became part of the Purkayasthas!

Miles to Go

Almost six years into my marriage, mother of an 8 month old daughter and 3 year old doggie son, I feel there’s so much more to discover. Hence the ‘Miles To Go’… The three words from Robert Frost’s poem define me. Be it with relationships, work or life in general… I still have Miles to Go before I sleep (or even lie down)!

A freelance journalist by profession, romantic at heart, laziness personified, I love to cook (for people who love to eat). My man in white has ensured that I travel with him through his umpteen transfers, which includes pack and unpack and set up home every time we move. For which he has to pay by bearing my temper tantrums and mood swings through the move.

I’ll give a lot of credit to my tech savvy mother and graphic designer sister, who unknowingly have contributed towards the starting of this blog. They’ve inspired me. I’ve always loved to write but they gave me the push. There will be times when I’ll be tied down with the lil one, but I’ll make a promise to be as regular as possible.